Cognitive Dissonance and You: How to rationalize a series with two disliked teams

The good news: Toronto lost in a fashion that would have made Manchester City fans blush. The bad news: it was to Boston. When this series started, I had it figured that no matter who loses this series, I win. I wasn't so sure after I remembered that a winner had to come out of it. I wouldn't have denied that I felt short changed if Boston blew yet another series lead, and the Leafs had taken the role of lovable misfits away from the Islanders. One way or the other, people I didn't like were happy last night.

You can stop calling me bitter now.

For a series like this, there needs to be a consequence that directly involves you. Some measures involve more risk than others, but the payoff is a heavier investment and less doubt in your mind on what side to take. Here's a few suggestions in ascending order of severity.

National Pride

A quick and easy solution is to go the way of blind nationalismpatriotism. Are you Canadian? Congratulations! You have up to seven favourite teams depending on who makes the playoffs! But don't worry Americans, you get all the rest! The best part of this solution is that it's a great way to hedge your bets, and get a favourable outcome. The downside is that it's stupid and I hate you.

Potential Conference Final Matchups

Some playoff series are just more entertaining than others. Something like Penguins/Flyers is always going to better than the Minnesota Wild vs. anyone. It becomes ten times better if it's the third round. However, due to the nature of statistics, probability, and playoff seeding, you will never get your desired finals matchup. Ever.

Tattoo Bet

Someone I know actually has one of these going. If Toronto wins the Stanley Cup before Montreal does, he has to get a Leafs tattoo. This is a bonafide way to ensure you never cheer for a team again. If you're a Flames fan, call up an Edmonton or Vancouver buddy, and get set up. Having to pay money for such a shameful mark on yourself might not be something you want to do, but there's no way they'll ever win it ahahahaha right? Right?!

Suicide Pact

Why are you doing this? Seek a psychiatrist!

Habs need to GET MAD and PUNCH FACES to win games! Also, I am a huge idiot.

So I missed the third period of Game 3, what happened? Oh...OH! That many penalties? PK fought...what do you mean ground and pound?! Bork did what? No disciplinary hearing?! Hooooo boy. Wait, what did you just say? They needed to do that to win the series? By blowing a game?! How stupid are you?

Okay, so I saw people demanding that the Canadiens get mad and start coming at the Sens with their shoulders and fists after what happened between Gryba and Eller. The most interesting reason I ran into was, "that's what we did in Bantam!"I always shy away from the "I PLAYED hockey" line of reasoning, because just because you played a sport, doesn't mean you have valuable insight on it (I'm looking at you PJ Stock and Glenn Healy.) There's also the fact that in anything below AA Midget, kids basically wailed on each other to get noticed, because any scout definitely wasn't evaluating your "skill."

So let's go back to the good hockey mans that are expected to score points for money. Your really good centre gets carried off on a stretcher because of a nasty hit. What do you do? Aforementioned solution you say? Before you continue this line of thinking, complete the following questionnaire:

Is your hockey team the MONTREAL CANADIENS?

A. Yes
B. No, I follow the Boston Bruins/Toronto Maple Leafs/Philadelphia Flyers/LA Kings

If you answered B, great job! Go hog wild! Otherwise, hold on a sec. Forget the bullshit about Montreal being better than that, and playing with class, whatever. Montreal shouldn't send a message by fighting, because they are BAD at fighting. Call Prust an enforcer all you want, but the only thing he can enforce is that his face is really good at getting punched. White's best asset is psychosis, and Armstrong got signed because Travis Moen needed a playmate.

Now, think about all the times this season when the Habs got punchy. What do they have in common? If you said they gave up at least five goals and lost in an embarrassing manner, then you're absolutely right! Sure, you could look at the winning streak right after the Feb. 9 loss, but more recently, it caused a downturn that almost ended up with a series to make CBC executives piss themselves (in an alternate universe, I am celebrating an impending sweep of the Leafs.)

If they go into game 4 looking for a fight, the series is over.