Habs need to GET MAD and PUNCH FACES to win games! Also, I am a huge idiot.

So I missed the third period of Game 3, what happened? Oh...OH! That many penalties? PK fought...what do you mean ground and pound?! Bork did what? No disciplinary hearing?! Hooooo boy. Wait, what did you just say? They needed to do that to win the series? By blowing a game?! How stupid are you?

Okay, so I saw people demanding that the Canadiens get mad and start coming at the Sens with their shoulders and fists after what happened between Gryba and Eller. The most interesting reason I ran into was, "that's what we did in Bantam!"I always shy away from the "I PLAYED hockey" line of reasoning, because just because you played a sport, doesn't mean you have valuable insight on it (I'm looking at you PJ Stock and Glenn Healy.) There's also the fact that in anything below AA Midget, kids basically wailed on each other to get noticed, because any scout definitely wasn't evaluating your "skill."

So let's go back to the good hockey mans that are expected to score points for money. Your really good centre gets carried off on a stretcher because of a nasty hit. What do you do? Aforementioned solution you say? Before you continue this line of thinking, complete the following questionnaire:

Is your hockey team the MONTREAL CANADIENS?

A. Yes
B. No, I follow the Boston Bruins/Toronto Maple Leafs/Philadelphia Flyers/LA Kings

If you answered B, great job! Go hog wild! Otherwise, hold on a sec. Forget the bullshit about Montreal being better than that, and playing with class, whatever. Montreal shouldn't send a message by fighting, because they are BAD at fighting. Call Prust an enforcer all you want, but the only thing he can enforce is that his face is really good at getting punched. White's best asset is psychosis, and Armstrong got signed because Travis Moen needed a playmate.

Now, think about all the times this season when the Habs got punchy. What do they have in common? If you said they gave up at least five goals and lost in an embarrassing manner, then you're absolutely right! Sure, you could look at the winning streak right after the Feb. 9 loss, but more recently, it caused a downturn that almost ended up with a series to make CBC executives piss themselves (in an alternate universe, I am celebrating an impending sweep of the Leafs.)

If they go into game 4 looking for a fight, the series is over.

Stats aren't old tyme hockey: who will come out against hockeymetrics?

Even though playoffs are on the horizon, and I'm pushing for the Jets and Blue Jackets to make it in, sometimes I like to read baseball articles. Articles like this piece on Max Scherzer are a blast to read, because of how the author uses the parallels of depression and sabrmetrics to make a point on how to pay attention to details. Sadly, the mirror image to this is some piece on the Grand Forks Herald that blocks bugmenot. However, there are some choice quotes people have pulled.

With ruthless determination, computer nerds have proven that statistical probability governs the game of baseball more than anybody ever imagined. "The law of averages," my Grandpa used to call it.

But Grandpa meant that if Hrbek was 0 for his last 10, the law of averages said he would more than likely get a hit his next time up. The computer nerds go much deeper.

Nobody says the phrase "computer nerd" unironically unless they're at least 45. But it doesn't stop there!

Let's make a trade. I propose sending all of baseball's statisticians to the federal government in exchange for a hot dog.

I don't even want the context for this. I will pay a calligrapher hard cash to scribe and frame this for me.

Baseball has immersed itself in advanced stats so much that games on tv will even post a player's on base percentage beside their batting average. Hockey has its feet wet in the pool too, as figures like Corsi, Fenwick, PDO, and other useful things with stupid names are becoming less obscure. History is set to repeat itself though. Elliott Friedman is bringing up fancystats while Glenn Healy's dented head has trouble accepting the concept, never mind that Healy has a hard enough time trying to pull back his hand if the stove burner's hot.

TV is one thing; words are another, and eventually, print journalists are going to eventually sound off on the issue, whether or not they can, or are willing to understand it. The way I see it, it's not going to be pretty. The more advanced stats are talked about, the more likely those writers are going to cover them. I mean the likes of Damien Cox, Bruce Garrioch, etc. Expect them to brush aside stats for heart, grit, and wins, unless it helps them make some silly point or other. However, who among them is most likely to release a diatribe about those fucking nerds who can't even skate backwards thinking they know hockey through their nerdy algebra for nerds? That's what I intend to divine. Bear in mind, while I will have source quotes, my primary resource is the same as any self respecting sports journalist: my ass.

Michel Therrien's new game strategy to include atonement, shame

Michel Therrien looks down on celebrations like these, as
it makes the other players feel bad for not scoring the goal.

If you watch a Michel Therrien interview, you'll notice he always looks pissed. He has no time for things like smiling, inflection in his voice, or generally enjoying life. It shows in his coaching strategy, as he puts forward a team first mindset, but questions are being raised when he announced that he's putting the kibosh on the famous triple low fives between PK Subban and Carey Price. Aside from the Pacioretty-Desharnais-Cole line, the triple low five after winning a game is the only constantly good thing I remember from last season. Here's two of the team's best players showing camaraderie in a relaxed, fun fashion. Fans ate it up, and it even got TV exposure from time to time. But now, Coach Buzzkill has to come along and say no, it's disrespectful. I'm sorry, what?

Apparently, this isn't the only reform that Therrien wants to introduce. He has quite the laundry list of changes he plans on implementing to sap the humanity and everything we enjoy about the team help improve team discipline and give it a more classy image. These are some of his plans:

• Take all "Get to Know Your Canadiens" videos off the team website, as the players show too much personality.
• Carey Price must wear only plain white masks, because wearing various designs is prideful, and pride is a sin.
• Self flagellation is to be introduced as a weekly team building exercise.
• The Bell Centre will no longer announce the three stars of the game, as individual contributions are disgraceful to the fans.
• The locker room motto, "to you from failing hands we throw the torch be yours to hold it high" will now become, "THE TALLEST BLADE OF GRASS IS THE FIRST TO BE CUT BY THE LAWNMOWER."

Frankly, stuff like this is avoiding the real issues with the team. Stopping triple low fives won't do anything if the penalty kill gets scored on from three different Brandon Prust penalties; meanwhile, Ryan White is in a corner of the ice eating the contents of Ben Lovejoy's stomach. Hockey punch players aren't exactly known for their low PIMs. Get mad at those guys before you tell people like PK that he can't have fun on the ice. It doesn't help that you took all the incentive out of his paycheque.

RIP Scott Gomez, eaten by Sharks

When the NHL introduced amnesty buyouts to help teams adjust to the new salary cap, it was a foregone conclusion that Scott Gomez would not be wearing a Habs uniform for much longer. But when he was told that he's getting paid to stay home, that was a bigger way to say screw you than ditching him in the minors. Even the league, which usually gives zero damns about these things, thought the move was harsh. They even said they'd push the buyouts ahead to this season he could at least play somewhere else.

Against possibly better judgement, Gomez will play indeed, as a Shark. His numbers should look more impressive without being paid $Texas; the extra cap space can be used to sign Subban (hint hint Bergevin!), and I have to come up with a new name. Wait, that last one's not good at all! So to commemorate this event, let us look back at Scott Gomez, the Canadien, in a completely libelous manner.

Scott Carlos Gomez came to Montreal during the 2009 off-season in a trade with defensive prospect Ryan McDonagh going the other way. The trade was widely regarded as a brilliant show in farcical humour, with a hint of sociopathy. General Manager Pierre Gauthier could not be reached for comment at the time, because he was busy sacrificing virgins for his elder god.

Gomez brought an array of offensive moves with him; although, the only ones we saw were, "skate past everyone with the puck and get caught in the corners", and "skate past everyone with the puck and shoot it into the goalie's chest." When asked when the rest of his tricks were coming, Gomez merely replied back with, "Soon...ish?"

When Montreal barely squeaked into the playoffs that year, Scotty was part of a deep run that made it into the Eastern Conference Finals, contributing 14 points in 19 games. Gomez was heralded as one of the main forces behind the success, second only to Jaroslav Halak, Mike Cammalleri, Hal Gill, Brian Gionta, Maxim Lapierre, Jaroslav Spacek, Kirk Muller, Andrei Markov from the press box, and Youppi.

Going into next season, Gomez carried on as usual until February. His offensive production hit a roadblock, and couldn't score a goal. But he was preparing, and after a year without scoring anything, came out of nowhere and scored a $7 million goal against the New York... Islanders. Regardless, it showed that you can persevere over anything, no matter how much money you make.

Fast forward to today, since nothing else notable happened, and Scott Gomez has a Calder trophy, two Stanley Cups, and an All Star appearance to his name; none of which happened during his tenure with the Montreal Canadiens. When he settles in San Jose, it's rumoured that he's starting a support group with JaMarcus Russell for pro athletes that fell deathly short of expectations. So here's to you Scott. You did what any of us would have: take a huge ass paycheque, and now no one will let you forget it.

State of the League: we're done here folks. Check back next year.

People, the National Hockey League is sure to nosedive into another year long lockout. While some have remained optimistic, others have rang the death bell. It was assumed that the season would be compromised. Some have assumed that a compressed 82 game schedule would be placed. Others have speculated anywhere from a 41 game season to none at all. With this latest rejection by the league, the naysayers have gained more traction.

Earlier today, the NHLPA put forth another proposal that made considerable concessions pertaining to Hockey Related Revenue in hopes, that I can only speculate to mean, that they wanted to move on to contracting issues. Specifically, while the league was willing to put aside 6% of the NHL's revenue for sharing, the players' proposal had the audacity to propose the equivalent of 12% of last year's revenue to sharing over the course of four years. Since this was a higher number than the league thought of, they naturally rejected.

This move has only confirmed what many people have known for months: that this CBA agreement is not about what is best for the league, its earnings, or the players in their eyes. To the Board of Governors, it's a clash of ideals. They think that the extra $1.5 billion they made is theirs and theirs alone. Damn to the players they pay, or the arena staff under their payroll. They supply the capital, so what else would be more important? Never mind that their labour and product are intertwined, or that their marketing is only as good as what they put on the ice. They deserve all the money because they are wealthy. Beer leaguers will play for free, so why can't the stars?

At this point, if an agreement was made, it would mean a 50-60 game season that stretched an extra month, at best. And that's without an All-Star Game or a Winter Classic. The bargaining chips are done with, so what's there to fight for? If I'm right, the owners' camp will want to maintain the status quo so the (profiting) owners can keep the bottom line. The players are holding on because they remember what happened when they caved seven years ago. There's a pattern that the most publicized party is called to take a pay cut regardless if they deserve it or not. The NHL could be making eight billion dollars with current player salaries, and people would still be demanding player pay cuts.

I would to end this with a statement to the NHL owners and executives. It may be a little vulgar, so I'll hide this behind a jump cut. Without further ado, dear NHL...

Dear fans, you haven't lost jack in this lockout.

This is what I'm talking about. Quit it.

I would like to watch hockey again. I want to bicker with my friends whether Alex Galchenyuk is NHL ready as a rookie or not. However, it's getting more obvious that it's not happening this year. There will be no hockey past November, and the Winter Classic is next on the chopping block. The lack of a season however, doesn't faze me, and it shouldn't. There's plenty of things to fill my life with non-hockey related. Which brings me to what I want to say to a lot of you in a similar situation as me. To all of you saying that players are a bunch of greedy millionaires, that the fans are the real losers in this lockout, that this lockout is a strike, shut the hell up.

The whole bunch of you railing at the players for not taking whatever terrible offer the Board of Governors throws at them would be doing the same if you were in their shoes. How many of you would honestly say to your boss, "Good job on making the company worth more. Please take more of my money as a reward?"And before you start going into how you only make five figures and they won't miss the money being so rich, here's another reason why your argument is dumb: not every contract in professional hockey makes Crosby money. For a lot of these players, they only have a three to five year window to make as much money as they possibly can. You're quite familiar with the best case scenario, so I won't reiterate it. However, for every all star, there are 50-100 players, after their window for major earnings passes, are stuck making $50,000 a year in the AHL, or $500 a week in the ECHL. It's almost as if they're working stiffs or something!

With that in mind, look back on all the times in the last few months you said, "It's the fans that lose the most out of this." You're not losing income or livelihood over this, so what's the real cost? All you've lost is three hours of entertainment on Friday and Saturday nights. That's the same as one and a half movies on Netflix. It's not hard to kill that much time. You could...

• Read a book
• Learn a language
• Learn to skate
• Spend time with your family
• Start a creative project
• Move the bodies out of your baseme...forget I said that.

In fact, if you regularly go to games, think of the money you're saving from tickets. You could pay your debts faster, or take someone out for a nice meal.

Last, but not least, a lockout is not a strike. Pay attention, because I'm only doing this once.

strike/strīk/

Noun:

A refusal to work organized by a body of employees as a form of protest, typically in an attempt to gain a concession or concessions...: "local workers went on strike"

lock·out/ˈläkˌout/

Noun:

The exclusion of employees by their employer from their place of work until certain terms are agreed to. There hasn't been a players' strike in pro sports since 1994. Quit calling it that!

A desperate fan's plea to the NHLPA

Hi there, players. GFH here. We don't talk much, but I just wanted to say hi, and I heard that the league is starting to compromise. I heard about the 50/50 split, the contract cap, and everything, but I think you should stop asking questions and sign the agreement. Please.

I know that Bettman looks like he's trying to give you a raw deal, but he's a nice guy, seriously! Please, stop laughing; I mean it. Okay, I admit that he steals money from me all the time, but every once in a while, he buys me something nice, and says he sorry. I honestly believe that he'll come through this time when he says that he'll never do this again. Especially after he gave me a black eye when I told him I thought the Guardian Project was a little dumb.

Gary is just so happy with the league's progress. He said he was going buy me two new teams soon! Last weekp I asked him about when I could expect to go pick them up, and he threw a highball glass at me screaming, "I only made $7 million this year! I'm not made of money!" I'm sure he was just stressed. He doesn't do it all the time, just when he's mad!

Despite the promises of good things later, he's been in a mood lately. All this lockout stress isn't very good for him. It makes his blood pressure go up, just like all the other times he doesn't get what he wants; like Sidney Crosby getting eliminated in the playoffs, getting booed at the Stanley Cup presentation, or getting barred from setting up a team in Mexico City for the fourth time. I tried to cheer him up by giving him a cute pet name, "Goblin Looking Napoleon Punkass", but then he thought it would be funny to threaten that he was moving the Oilers to Houston. It's this funny little game we play, you see.

I know he means well. It's only the third time that Gary's done something like this, and he already started calling me the best fan in the world! Thanks to that, I'm sure I'll be ready to go through all this again at least once or twice more. I mean, that's how it works right? I don't go blaming him for locking me outside in the cold every chance he gets. It's just what he does. You understand that too, right?

Consider taking the offer. It'll make me happy, and more importantly, it'll make Gary happy. Then we can all continue on like nothing's wrong...oh no! I just heard the front door open! He'll go ballistic if he sees you here! Head out the back door- oh no I hear him getting his belt...