A desperate fan's plea to the NHLPA

Hi there, players. GFH here. We don't talk much, but I just wanted to say hi, and I heard that the league is starting to compromise. I heard about the 50/50 split, the contract cap, and everything, but I think you should stop asking questions and sign the agreement. Please.

I know that Bettman looks like he's trying to give you a raw deal, but he's a nice guy, seriously! Please, stop laughing; I mean it. Okay, I admit that he steals money from me all the time, but every once in a while, he buys me something nice, and says he sorry. I honestly believe that he'll come through this time when he says that he'll never do this again. Especially after he gave me a black eye when I told him I thought the Guardian Project was a little dumb.

Gary is just so happy with the league's progress. He said he was going buy me two new teams soon! Last weekp I asked him about when I could expect to go pick them up, and he threw a highball glass at me screaming, "I only made $7 million this year! I'm not made of money!" I'm sure he was just stressed. He doesn't do it all the time, just when he's mad!

Despite the promises of good things later, he's been in a mood lately. All this lockout stress isn't very good for him. It makes his blood pressure go up, just like all the other times he doesn't get what he wants; like Sidney Crosby getting eliminated in the playoffs, getting booed at the Stanley Cup presentation, or getting barred from setting up a team in Mexico City for the fourth time. I tried to cheer him up by giving him a cute pet name, "Goblin Looking Napoleon Punkass", but then he thought it would be funny to threaten that he was moving the Oilers to Houston. It's this funny little game we play, you see.

I know he means well. It's only the third time that Gary's done something like this, and he already started calling me the best fan in the world! Thanks to that, I'm sure I'll be ready to go through all this again at least once or twice more. I mean, that's how it works right? I don't go blaming him for locking me outside in the cold every chance he gets. It's just what he does. You understand that too, right?

Consider taking the offer. It'll make me happy, and more importantly, it'll make Gary happy. Then we can all continue on like nothing's wrong...oh no! I just heard the front door open! He'll go ballistic if he sees you here! Head out the back door- oh no I hear him getting his belt...